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March 16, 2012

mutually exclusive statements

Lately my life can be summarized by statements that seem mutually exclusive. They start with these two:
  • I want to live overseas.
  • I want to live here.

These are both true, but for different reasons.

To clarify, I am more inclined to want to live overseas than here, at this time. But what else is true?
  • I want to go somewhere where I might not spend time with children.
    (This is not why I want to go, it just a fact of the current situation).
  • I want to spend time with children.

  • I choke at the thought of missing dear friends.
  • I choke at the thought of never having a chance to try living elsewhere.

  • I like foreign travel, new faces, new places.
  • I like homebody Saturdays, familiar faces, security.

  • I understand why people don't want me to go.
  • I don't understand why people don't want me to go.

A conversation from this evening reminded me of what almost seems like this dual existence even within myself. I spoke of making big life changes and asked for input. One of my advisers asked, "Is this the desire of your heart?" I appreciated the question, but to answer that question with a "Yes" seems almost rude. It sounds like I'm saying, "The desire of my heart is to move far away from you, to only see you or talk to you rarely, to stop helping you when you need hands-on help." But to say that making this change is the desire of my heart does not mean that making this change does not hurt my heart.
How to reconcile the two?

On the way home, I heard a song on the radio that reminded my why the disconnect seems so strong. The refrain says, "All I know is that I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world, and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong." Maybe that's where my trouble comes from.
  • I am made of the stuff of earth (Gen. 2:7).
  • I am made of the stuff of eternity (Ecc. 3:11).